On "Shoulding" All Over Yourself + International Real Estate
Breaking out from the chokehold of "should" to thoughtfully pursue risk.
Shoulding vs. Risking
“You’re shoulding all over yourself,” my therapist said, her phrasing designed to catch my attention and make her point.
To be absolutely clear, “shoulding” sounds like “shitting,” and no one wants to do that all over oneself. Her point was made: in this context, “should” was negative, messy and hurting me.
I don’t recall what we were discussing that day, now more than a decade ago, but the lesson has stayed with me, and the need to apply it is frequent. I bring it up today as a follow-up to my new-year post on risk and how embracing risk can make your life richer.
If and when you’re taking a risk, you’re going to be dodging a lot of “should,” from both yourself and others.
“Should” feels like a subset of the comparison trap, but instead of comparing to a specific person, you’re being held up against a largely made-up schema of societal or familial norms and expectations.
For example, “shoulding” on “I’m going to start my own company” looks like:
I/You should stay in a more traditional job to support yourself and your family.
I/You should think about your competition and if there’s space for you.
I/You should make sure you have health insurance.
I/You should wait until the market is stronger and you have more money saved.
I/You should have started a year ago.
I/You should be careful.
What to do when you’re being “shoulded” on?
“Should” can be intended as constructive or additive, but its very nature comes with strings. Duty. Obligation. Criticism. “Should” is pernicious, judgmental and quite often irrelevant.
When Others “Should” On You /
I’ve noticed that, when people are “shoulding” on me, it reveals their own fears and beliefs. There can be wisdom in their advice or perspective, of course, but the use of “should” is a little giveaway that there is some level of judgment or personal fear being layered onto their thought.
Many times, when I’m talking through a risk with someone and they’re jumping in with “shoulds,” a few things can be happening:
I haven’t explained the entire idea yet and I’ve already addressed that “should”
we don’t share the same level of concern about an element of the idea
their “shoulds” are introducing concepts that will take me off course
When someone is “shoulding” on you, proceed with caution. To remain steadfast, stay focused on discerning the signal from the noise. “Should” is almost always noise.
When I first started writing books 20 years ago, I wouldn’t share anything about my story until the first draft was done. I was explicitly avoiding the moment when an interested, well-intentioned (or not) person would chime in with “You know what you should do?” I’m not saying remove yourself from society to avoid any errant “should,” but you can protect yourself from unhelpful outside influences.
When You “Should” On Yourself /
Risking is scary. It’s going to spook our internalized societal/familial norms and expectations, and that will start popping out “shoulds.” Or even worse, “shouldn’ts.”
These are your doubts taking voice. The bigger the risk, the more the doubts. The more the doubts, the more the “shoulds.”
You don’t have control over others. You do have control over yourself, so wield it.
Can you rephrase your “should”? Or get curious about why you’re “shoulding” that particular thought? Listen for the difference between risk and inherent danger.
The risks I’m advocating for are thoughtful, the motivated chasing of a sought-after goal. They may be bigger risks than what others are willing to take. When your own doubts creep in, remind yourself of your end goal and take heart.
—
More than anything, by the very act of noticing a “should,” you take some of its power away. Laugh at the phrase “you’re shoulding on yourself,” brush it off, and move on. You got this.
The Story Behind The Story: “Parisian Patina”
Another Plot Twist Writing Challenge, “Parisian Patina” came together naturally, the opening informed by my experience in London - though I’d like to, I don’t get London.
The trouble was the end. Based on the prompt, I needed the protagonist to “stumble on a find that changes everything.” Initially, I had the idea to fake out the reader with the idea that the protagonist was going to change careers, that walking through the marché would inspire him to pursue interior design. Then the actual plot twist would be that, when logging into his son’s baby monitor to verify placement for a potential purchase, he would see… something… shocking?
Everything I came up with felt cliché or way too sad. My frontrunner was his partner cheating on him, but ugh, like I said: cliché. Something bad happening to the son? I didn’t even want to consider that. Something good? What could he see that would change everything? They’re being robbed? The babysitter is making out with her boyfriend? Nope, nope, nope.
I had already reinterpreted what “the find” would be, why couldn’t I reinterpret the “everything” in the prompt?
Pulling from my experience of seeing Ina Garten in the Hamptons and from Nancy Meyers aesthetic enjoying a well-deserved moment on social media, I had our protagonist run into these two women and
I’m looking for some additional writing prompts for future stories. Will you share an idea in our subscriber chat? Thank you in advance!
One Thing: “The Parisian Agency”
one quick recommendation
Taking some inspiration from last week’s story, “Parisian Patina,” I’m excited to turn you on to “The Parisian Agency” on Netflix, a reality series about the Kretz family who sell luxury properties, primarily Paris but throughout the country and around the world.
If your primary social media is Zillow or you are fascinated by interior design, architecture or travel, this is the show you wished “Selling Sunset” was. It’s light on the drama and heavy on over-the-top real estate, opening doors into jaw-dropping properties and giving you debilitating home envy, which is mostly a good thing.
Hot take: I’m not a fan of the grandmother, Majo… They all fawn over her and treat her like their bestie, and for some reason, I’m not into it. Also, their father is the worst, but that feels less like a hot take and more of a common opinion. I just fast-forward during their scenes. Get me back to the Haussmannian apartments with unobstructed views of Paris!
My favorite property from their five seasons is a lakefront estate teeming with old-world charm in Varmdo, Sweden, found in season 3, episode 3. The windows! The fireplace! The striped couches! I think about it constantly. Hmm, I should share it with my real estate agent to help with my house search…
The show is also my way of brushing up on French before a trip. Celine and I are heading to Paris soon! I could absolutely show a home in French right now.
Parting Shot
sharing some of my photography from over the years
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